I've spent a lot of time reflecting over the past few weeks. Maybe it's because it's nearing the end of the semester. Maybe it's because it's almost the end of the year. Maybe it's because almost everyone is going home for Winter Break and I'm not. Maybe it's because I'm a self-reflective and generally over analytical person. Either way, I've spent a lot of time thinking the past few weeks: in the bus to and from school, on airplanes, when I become lost in my own mind during a meeting, standing in line at lunch, and as I drift to sleep at night.
I've been thinking a lot about changes. I've been asking myself a lot of questions. How does change happen? Are the changes that have been happening in my life active choices, or have I passively been letting them happen to me? I know that some changes are outside of our control, but through these changes, am I making the decisions, or letting everything around me just happen? Why do things change? Why do I seek change, but also fear it?
I have had a lot of surreal moments over the past few months where I just stop and ask myself, "How did this become my life? How did I end up with a life that allows me to teach awesome students in a setting where I get to absorb other cultures and travel all the time?" It happens in all different types of moments, both minute and remarkable. It happens when I look around my classroom and see that I have students from all over the world in one room. It happens when the support staff smiles and says says "Namaste, ma'am" to me each and every they see me. It happens when I help chaperone 27 kids to a music festival in a different country. It happens when I see a monkey run across the roof of the school building from my classroom window. It happens when I get compliments from colleagues and students about what I'm doing at school. It happens in small, kind comments from students. It happens when I see "our school cat" (a stray cat that runs through our lunch area every day) running around campus. It happens when students understand and share my struggle to form a cultural identity. These moments of awe have caused me think about what has gotten me to this point, and who I have become.
One change I have been thinking about intensely, especially in regards to where my life is today and who I have become, is the people and relationships in our lives. (When I say relationships, I mean the true definition of the word: the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected)
I have a lot of important people who have consistently been in my life. They have helped to shape me and my identity. I also have people who have intensely been part of my life, but are no longer in my life, or they play an entirely different role in my life than they once did. They have also helped shape me and my identity. But, which of these two "categories" of people have had to most important impact? Why are the people who were once so important and present in my life not here anymore? What makes us drift apart? When I look back at the past year, the past 5 years, and the past 10 years, I see bits and pieces of each of these people in the person I am today. I see my love for travel, which has been nurtured by my father and a few close friends. I see how I've grown to challenge myself to be emotionally stronger from a friend who always encouraged me to "be strong", even when I felt I couldn't be. I see a strong desire to follow my heart that grew more intense when someone showed me that I was stuck in a place where I was afraid to do what I felt would make me happy. I see a girl who is afraid of being left behind because a handful of important people in her life have in a way that seemed too easy for them. I see a girl with dreams and a sort of fearlessness to follow them, which was always supported by my parents. I see someone who has become less afraid to fail because of the love that so many have given her. I see a critical thinker who had college professors and fellow students who challenged her to question and explain her beliefs and the world around her. I see the unfailing and intense love that I offer to the people and interests in my life, regardless of how hard I try to love them with reservation at times. I see someone who is proud to be the person she's worked so hard to become because of a person who, when we first met, said they appreciated and noticed those things about me. When I see all of these things, it makes me happy and sad; it makes me feel comfort and confusion. What does all of this mean? Humans are dynamic. Our lives are dynamic. But how much of who we are is really us and how much is just bits and pieces of the people who have been in our lives? Am I really me? Or, am I just millions of pieces of the others that have participated in my life, morphed into the silhouette that I appear to be? Does the answer to this question even matter? I'm a painfully nostalgic person, and I cherish the pieces that others have left me: the memories, the laughs, the challenges, and the growth. But, has this love for all of these people caused me to be pieces of them instead of who I truly am? Is it bad (read: inadequate, detrimental, weak, abnormal) to hold on to these pieces and let them be a part of me? When do I let go of these pieces? Do I let go of them? When do these pieces stop being "a piece of ____" and "a piece of ____ " and simply become pieces of me? When do these pieces simply become me because they are who I am, and not something that so-and-so influenced (helped, colored, caused, encouraged, taught) me to be?
I don't know the answers to many of these questions, and I may never know the answers to many of these questions. Maybe I am not supposed to know, or maybe I will eventually figure it out. Either way, these questions are weighing heavy on my heart. In many ways, I'm thankful for the pieces that I have of everyone who I love and have loved. In many ways, these pieces make me miss them and wonder why things are this way. I'm not sure if in this moment I feel mostly thankful and comforted by all of the memories that created these bits and pieces of who I am, or sad and mournful for the loss of the people who gave me these pieces. I feel both from second to second, day to day, and year to year.
What I do know is that I am dynamic; my life is dynamic. I don't have to continue to be anything I don't want to be. These bits and pieces are always shifting, growing, shrinking.
I can change.
I've been thinking a lot about changes. I've been asking myself a lot of questions. How does change happen? Are the changes that have been happening in my life active choices, or have I passively been letting them happen to me? I know that some changes are outside of our control, but through these changes, am I making the decisions, or letting everything around me just happen? Why do things change? Why do I seek change, but also fear it?
I have had a lot of surreal moments over the past few months where I just stop and ask myself, "How did this become my life? How did I end up with a life that allows me to teach awesome students in a setting where I get to absorb other cultures and travel all the time?" It happens in all different types of moments, both minute and remarkable. It happens when I look around my classroom and see that I have students from all over the world in one room. It happens when the support staff smiles and says says "Namaste, ma'am" to me each and every they see me. It happens when I help chaperone 27 kids to a music festival in a different country. It happens when I see a monkey run across the roof of the school building from my classroom window. It happens when I get compliments from colleagues and students about what I'm doing at school. It happens in small, kind comments from students. It happens when I see "our school cat" (a stray cat that runs through our lunch area every day) running around campus. It happens when students understand and share my struggle to form a cultural identity. These moments of awe have caused me think about what has gotten me to this point, and who I have become.
One change I have been thinking about intensely, especially in regards to where my life is today and who I have become, is the people and relationships in our lives. (When I say relationships, I mean the true definition of the word: the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected)
I have a lot of important people who have consistently been in my life. They have helped to shape me and my identity. I also have people who have intensely been part of my life, but are no longer in my life, or they play an entirely different role in my life than they once did. They have also helped shape me and my identity. But, which of these two "categories" of people have had to most important impact? Why are the people who were once so important and present in my life not here anymore? What makes us drift apart? When I look back at the past year, the past 5 years, and the past 10 years, I see bits and pieces of each of these people in the person I am today. I see my love for travel, which has been nurtured by my father and a few close friends. I see how I've grown to challenge myself to be emotionally stronger from a friend who always encouraged me to "be strong", even when I felt I couldn't be. I see a strong desire to follow my heart that grew more intense when someone showed me that I was stuck in a place where I was afraid to do what I felt would make me happy. I see a girl who is afraid of being left behind because a handful of important people in her life have in a way that seemed too easy for them. I see a girl with dreams and a sort of fearlessness to follow them, which was always supported by my parents. I see someone who has become less afraid to fail because of the love that so many have given her. I see a critical thinker who had college professors and fellow students who challenged her to question and explain her beliefs and the world around her. I see the unfailing and intense love that I offer to the people and interests in my life, regardless of how hard I try to love them with reservation at times. I see someone who is proud to be the person she's worked so hard to become because of a person who, when we first met, said they appreciated and noticed those things about me. When I see all of these things, it makes me happy and sad; it makes me feel comfort and confusion. What does all of this mean? Humans are dynamic. Our lives are dynamic. But how much of who we are is really us and how much is just bits and pieces of the people who have been in our lives? Am I really me? Or, am I just millions of pieces of the others that have participated in my life, morphed into the silhouette that I appear to be? Does the answer to this question even matter? I'm a painfully nostalgic person, and I cherish the pieces that others have left me: the memories, the laughs, the challenges, and the growth. But, has this love for all of these people caused me to be pieces of them instead of who I truly am? Is it bad (read: inadequate, detrimental, weak, abnormal) to hold on to these pieces and let them be a part of me? When do I let go of these pieces? Do I let go of them? When do these pieces stop being "a piece of ____" and "a piece of ____ " and simply become pieces of me? When do these pieces simply become me because they are who I am, and not something that so-and-so influenced (helped, colored, caused, encouraged, taught) me to be?
I don't know the answers to many of these questions, and I may never know the answers to many of these questions. Maybe I am not supposed to know, or maybe I will eventually figure it out. Either way, these questions are weighing heavy on my heart. In many ways, I'm thankful for the pieces that I have of everyone who I love and have loved. In many ways, these pieces make me miss them and wonder why things are this way. I'm not sure if in this moment I feel mostly thankful and comforted by all of the memories that created these bits and pieces of who I am, or sad and mournful for the loss of the people who gave me these pieces. I feel both from second to second, day to day, and year to year.
What I do know is that I am dynamic; my life is dynamic. I don't have to continue to be anything I don't want to be. These bits and pieces are always shifting, growing, shrinking.
I can change.
Kinna John Steinbeckian Chels :) Love You!
ReplyDelete“Before I knowed it, I was sayin' out loud, 'The hell with it! There ain't no sin and there ain't no virtue. There's just stuff people do. It's all part of the same thing.' . . . . I says, 'What's this call, this sperit?' An' I says, 'It's love. I love people so much I'm fit to bust, sometimes.' . . . . I figgered, 'Why do we got to hang it on God or Jesus? Maybe,' I figgered, 'maybe it's all men an' all women we love; maybe that's the Holy Sperit-the human sperit-the whole shebang. Maybe all men got one big soul ever'body's a part of.' Now I sat there thinkin' it, an' all of a suddent-I knew it. I knew it so deep down that it was true, and I still know it.”
― John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath